February 07, 2002 | 12:07 PM

Not that I don�t like my job. In the sense that it is a much better 9-5 job than any other job I could possible have.

But I am staring down the barrel of working 9-5 (or something akin to that) for the next 50 years and the thought of it is enough to bring on a massive coronary.

Here is what I am good at: writing stories, writing songs, telling stories, singing, being a witty dinner companion, drinking, acting, playing word games, listening to people, watching movies, listening to music, dreaming up ideas, playing with children, starting new endeavors and not finishing them, getting myself into massive jams and somehow getting myself out of them, telling other people what to do, day dreaming, reciting poems, having pop culture centered conversations, reading, taking care of pets.

Unfortunately, there aren�t many �jobs� that encompass these skills.

Maybe I need to be discovered. You hear about it all the time. That guy from Dude Where�s My Car was discovered in like a Denny�s or something. And if that guy can be discovered, why can�t I?

I just wanna be in a rock �n� roll band and travel the country in a bus or write all day long (and not just in my office when I�m suppsoed to be doing work) and drink cocktails and hang out with my future children and not have to deal with all of this stupid irrelevant shit like looking for an apartment or paying bills or pretending that I give a fuck about healthcare marketing.

The problem though, is that I have already been through �roughing it��not having enough to eat, not knowing where the next month�s rent is going to come from. And �sucks� wouldn�t even begin to describe what it�s like. Which is what makes 9-5 so appealing.

Basically, I just have to get off my fucking lazy ass and instead of watching re-runs of Six Feet Under while snacking on Ben & Jerry�s, I must submit manuscripts and RECORD SONGS We Must RECORD and enter the SONGWRITING CONTEST ASAP), so that I don�t spend 40 hours a week for the rest of my life as a drone.

And again�I am happy to work here as it doesn�t suck the way most jobs suck (i.e. mean bosses, bad pay, unreasonable hours, stupid dress codes, crappy benefits, etc.). And I genuinely really like the people, and the fact that I can take classes for free rules. But it doesn�t have anything to do with anything I want my life to be about.

And over the next 5 years, I want to get established artistically so that I don�t have to do this kind of shit.

I�ve thought about being a lawyer, a psychologist, a marketing executive. And I would probably be good at all of those things. But I think I would be selling myself short. Because I know that isn�t what I�m here on this planet to do.

And when I think about being a lawyer, a psychologist, a marketing executive�I know the biggest reason I want those jobs is so that a) I can take care of other people who don�t want to take care of themselves and b) so that I can have the material comfort and sense of safety that I long for.

These are poor reasons to devote your life to something

Not to be a cheeseball�but I�ve always known there was some kind of destiny for me; I�ve felt that since I was 3 years old and I get sidetracked by being afraid, by my feelings about other people, by my need to control what happens to myself and others. And it�s all just bullshit.

There are so many things I want out of life.

It�s just a question of making it work.

I�ll get back to the apartment saga later today or tomorrow. If you haven�t read it click Here.

I am The Siren It is easy to fall under your spell. You have a quiet, but powerful beauty. You tend to spend your time alone. This solitude is mostly self-imposed, as you prefer to keep an air of mystery about you. It is possible that you use this air of mystery to mask the fact that you don't feel adequate enough to be interesting. You should know better than that.

What kind of beauty are you? find out at Swimmingly!