January 13, 2002 | 2:26 PM

I feel really bad about writing this entry. I tend to overreact to things when I get angry. That isn't to say that I didn't have a reason to be pissed, but I blew it out of proportion.

I dunno... as anyone who's been reading this can see, I have a lot of differing feelings about my boyfriend and I have a very hard time reconciling them. On the one hand he's intelligent, interesting, funny, etc. and I love him more than I could possibly say, and on the other hand he's made a lot of choices that have put me in a very bad position, and I'm afraid of what the future will hold for us based on the way he is behaving right now and how he has behaved in the past.

It's very tough to love someone as much as I love John and yet see very clearly how things *could* turn out if in the near future he doesn't begin making different decisions from the ones he's making now.

I don't know. Ambivilence fucking sucks.