January 03, 2002 | 8:28 PM

I am really really upset right now, so this entry is going to be difficult for me to write, but I�m going to do my best to get this out in a logical linear fashion.

I just finished having a long conversation with my roommate Jenn. I want to preface a description of this conversation by saying that Jenn is a very kind forgiving person who doesn�t hold grudges and usually sees the best in people, which makes the conversation we just had even more hurtful.

Jenn is very upset with my boyfriend (Jenn, my boyfriend John and I all live together). While I was away, Jenn had her sister come visit. Her sister is 11 years old, and she had been planning this visit for 2 months. John had known about it well in advance. The night that her sister was staying over, John came home with a bunch of people and said to Jenn, �I just invited seven people over. �Hope you don�t mind.�

Jenn was very unhappy about this as she knew there would be a lot of drinking going on, and she was uncomfortable with having this happen while her kid sister was around. Besides, she had already �booked� the weekend in advance, and Jenn never uses the apartment for social reasons; the one time she wanted to have it, John stampeded over her plans nonchalantly.

John promised that he would keep everything under control, which to make a long story short didn�t happen. People were yelling and smoking pot, and normally this wouldn�t have bothered Jenn but as her 11 year old sister was there, she was pretty pissed. She tried to tell John in a nice way to tell people to keep it down, and he rolled his eyes and said, �Jenn- it�s only 12:30 AM and I can�t help it if people are drinking and being loud.� Then he said something to the affect of �basically, you�re just going to have to deal with it.�

Jenn got really pissed and told him off. The next day he repeatedly told her he didn�t have any fun at his party (boo hoo), and Jenn told me that this situation ruined her sister�s visit.

She then told me that John was late again with rent for the 4th time since the three of us moved into this apartment. He asked her a couple days in advance if it would be ok if he paid her late, and she said yes because she knew that he and I were planning to go away, and if she said no he had to pay her on time, he wouldn�t have had the money to go away with me for New Years. She also said that every time she lets him borrow money or pays up front in a restaurant, he won�t pay her back until she reminds him which makes her very uncomfortable. She said she can�t trust him at all with money, and every time she has to pay rent she�s nervous that his check will bounce.

The thing about this is that he made more money this year than either Jenn or I made, and yet he is the only person who has these kinds of problems. Don�t get me wrong�I am shitty with money, but I never make it a problem for one of my friends. I might screw myself over but I don�t put anyone else in a bad situation. It�s like his thought process is, �Jenn and Anna don�t have money problems and I do, so they can deal with it.� He resents us or something and always acts like we have so much more money than he does, and it�s not true at all. I have no idea why he�s always broke. Jenn pays much higher student loan bills than he does and pays a lot of money each month in credit card debt. Last year she was only making 25,000K, yet she never was late with rent or bitching about how broke she was. How can he possibly be so broke? I think it has to do with alcohol, but I could be wrong. Maybe he spends it all on gum. Who knows?

She also said that he made some snide comment about doing dishes which made her really really mad because when he had his dinner party, she cleaned up after it, and she wasn�t even at the fucking party.

She was very very angry and said that she feels John doesn�t care about her, has no respect for her feelings, and that she can�t trust him. She said she wishes she had enough money to break the lease and move out. She said she really cares about him as a friend, but she can�t stand being treated like this.

I felt so embarrassed. The thing is, John has no clue that he acts like this, or how much his actions hurt other people. He goes out of his way to �make people like him� and then once he�s in an intimate friendship, his MO shifts, and there�s this subconscious motivation, which is �I don�t need to impress this person anymore. What can I get away with?�

Jenn herself even said she would probably cool down and not be so angry in a couple days, especially when she can start thinking of all the nice stuff he does. I said, yeah I know-- he can be very kind and sweet and giving. That's true said Jenn, but that doesn't change what a selfish prick he can be, and that he just doesn't mind putting other people in bad situations if they are people whom he feels he won't lose as a result of putting them in those situations.

I love John deeply and he has many wonderful qualities. This stuff, this shabby cheap/ sleazy financial situation stuff�I keep hoping that it�s something he�s going to grow out of, that it�s due to immaturity and not some inherent personality trait.

And then I think of my stepfather and what he was like with money� and although John is a totally different person than my stepdad, in this way they are quite similar. It�s �Let someone else deal with it. Let someone else take responsibility.� I know what kind of life I want, and I want to be with someone who can be responsible for himself, who takes positive risks and makes real decisions instead of just letting things happen to him and hoping somebody will foot the bill.

I feel so horrible right now, so fucking embarrassed. If John could just change this one aspect of himself�the piece about responsibility and self esteem (people who value their own feelings value the feelings of others as well), there would be a shift and he would be so much happier, and he wouldn�t fuck up like this. He wouldn�t be so in denial, and he wouldn�t deny his own feelings and try to numb himself out.

The whole thing makes me so nervous, and as much as I adore him I have to wonder, is this worth it? Is this too much of a gamble?

I don't know... I'm so fucking sick of worrying about it. Why can't he just grow the fuck up?