December 11, 2001 | 10:42 AM

I have so many stories to tell but I don't feel like teeling them. They're important and it's weighing on me; I feel like I have a homework assignment due that I'm flaking on.

See, this is why I usually give up on diary writing after only a few entries, because I feel like I owethe diary something, which is retarded.

So, in the nature of compromise, here's the cliff's notes versions:

SMcGraw and Shana came up this weekend from New York. We drank. We smoked. We walked all over Boston. We ate at Buddah's Delight. John and I (my boyfriend-- his name is John. I have never written his name in here before for the sake of anonymity, but I'm getting sick of calling him "my boyfriend"-- it sounds like I'm discussing a posession, and besides, it's not like any of you know him for chrisssakes) tried to convince them to move back here. I love them so much. We went to their old apartment and it still retained its magic. MG lives there now and is carrying on the spirit.

Remember how I was bitching about the x-mas party? (read this entry) Well, it actually turned out to be a really good time. I saw people I hadn't seen in awhile, who I had liked very much, and was able to just enjoy their company. Everyone including lame upper management was really nice to me and I realized that laying me off was not personal. This isn't to say that they didn't suck for doing it and that they aren't sexist assholes, but I realized that I should stop taking the whole fucking thing so personally, and just let it go. I'm much happier not working there, so what the hell do I care?

The only problem was that they had tons of free liquer and hardly any food, and I got totally smashed. I mean, I was DRUNK AS HELL Now I am no stranger to the demon drink. I indulge in it pretty frequently, but I usually am not at the x-mas company of my former employer when I get that inebriated. Everyone else was really drunk too, and I didn't do anything stupid at the party-- I was just being my crazy drunken fun self, as was everyone else there.

But afterwards, I acted like a total total jackass to John. I was really really really mean and verbally abusive towards him, and I know that I hurt his feelings a lot. He took care of me anyway though, and wasn't at all mean back.

I woke up the next morning, and unlike other times that I have gotten totally blasted, I remembered everything that had happened the night before and all the terrible things I had said to John. I felt horrible about it. I went to work and felt even more horrible about it and then I had a revelation.

John is not a perfect human being. He has done things in the past that have really hurt me. And you know what, I have certainly done things in the past that I'm not proud of either. But I love him, and I know that he loves me. I realized that since I value my own independence a lot, I should value his as well. I should stop trying to control him with ultimatums.

I also realized that my own low self esteem was interfering with my ability to aknowledge that John really and truly does love me. I kept giving him little tests-- tests that he couldn't possible pass, and then using his failure of these tests as proof of his lack of love. And I always attributed every nice thing that he did to some ulterior motive. I mean, all of this shit is deeply rooted in my childhood-- my dad dying, my mother's second marriage to the abusive asshole, my mother's obsession with my weight and her inability to just let me be a normal independent kid, etc. etc.

In short, it has been really difficult for me to give and receive love. I know that sounds like something from Oprah, but deal with it.

I was so overwhelmed by all of these realizations. When I saw John that evening I told him the ultimatum (read this entry) was off. that I loved him and wanted to be with him. He was so happy and relieved and profesased his undying love and adoration of me, and I believed him. We had a really good talk about it that night, and had another excellent talk about it Sunday after S mcGraw and Shana left.

Phew! I got all that off my chest.

Now, will somebody pass the nachos?